Has it become time to challenge that rank?

As the son of a German Master Cabinet maker I have always been astonished at the ease that Northwest gardeners manage to become ‘Masters’ of a field in which I have worked decades to gain that title and respect. In the following post I hope to describe my frustrations and if I offend anybody, I have tried to do it equally.

Most martial arts such as Judo and Karate have benchmarks for such “belts” or to recognize accomplished achievements. Aikido, I struggled with … same with Tai-Chi. It is my understanding that even the flower arts such as Ikebana have similar rankings. They are all standardized, to be learned, exhibited in shows and tested upon by curmudgeons such as myself.

Given the opportunity of practice on box store garden employees this is one of the joys of my life. Nematodes, that they are selling in Feb. freezing weather. I complement them on their stocking but question their timing skills. The clerk answers – “What are those? (the nematodes)” Comments made to plants that are wilting, or might be needing freeze protection.

 

Ya bud, That’s a problem, fur sure.” Same goes for the over watering of already suffering cacti and succulents and when you ask for a refund for something that dies within a week  …???  (edit on the bottom!)

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I view these ignoramuses as being totally un-redeemable. That said, I expect more of those participants in gardening who usually are intelligent and subscribe to the “MASTER GARDENER” badge program in WA state.

These people should be avoided, or at best upgraded upon their weight or rank. Not wanting to get into percentage of body fat– I still believe that their level of training or experience in gardening should be put to the test.

The criteria might be of accomplishments or simply a matter of political survival within the club. Being a V.P. of my Bonsai club I have come to see how tenuous that type of gardener Wassail test might be:  Requirements of expertize or of accomplishments:

White Belt — La La land neophytes who stumbled into the world of gardening while listening to Yanni and who can even spel gardening correctly after having read a Sunset Gardening book or magazine other than Opra.

Yellow Belt — Can begin to identify deciduous plants vs. conifers. If owning plants, has planted them in the garden and has kept them alive through one garden season. Bad winters or other climate whining are no excuse.

Orange Belt -– Has begun to subscribe to Horticulture magazine and similar ilk. The gardener has begun to understand curves, triangles and apexes for the garden design and sometimes does it correctly.

Purple Belt -– The “Master Gardener” has kept all the exotic plants he or she has bought from mail order frauds alive for two years. They are beginning to understand death and disease in the garden. Mercy killing of problem purchases has begun.

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 Blue Belt – The gardener finally understands and has begun to propagate their own stock rather than buying from expensive internet sources.  I would call it the Perlite Belt myself. Believing that they now know it all, these Blue Belts begin to give expert advice at local box stores, or volunteer to be docents at “gardens of interest,” and the finger pinching of plants and ideas begins.

Green Belt – Humility begins to set in and they realize that they do not know it all, regardless of the number of horticultural subscriptions. You now just concentrate on what you have. Advanced members may have Mood balls strategically placed in the garden, Face gardens and other such tedious decor. Nonetheless, they know their bugs and diseases and listen to all sources of information. They also begin to exercise some potting ability and begin to throw expensive pots willy-nily around the landscape.

 Brown Belt – Most of the garden is photograph-able, showing if not in full Wonderment, but something with excellent potential. The owner gives the hired help some input into their designs, appreciating apprentices and lower rank potentials. At this point they begin to specialize – Bonsai, Koi ponds and water features, Rock gardens. Whatever! They have finally understood all fertilizer, re- potting needs and choice of décor and pots.

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Black Belt — Even undressed, this rank understands all the climate zones of the garden. Has stood naked in all corners of the garden through a freezing night just to test the  climate zones of their domain. Finger pinches cuttings, without anyone noticing, even in Botanical gardens or at the National Arboretum or the Chinese Imperial Gardens. Instinctive disease, fertilizer, watering control and can give a speech about anything at a moments notice. Sometimes these guys are so chlorophyll loaded that they are viewed as being less than warm blooded. Intruders such as deer vanish upon hearing their soft footed but deadly appearance.

These would be the Darth Vaders of the Master Gardeners. To date, none have come knocking on my door. Romulans also had green blood!

Please read the next post as I am equally critical of my own Nursery Profession.  A nurseryman responded and I continued the tale.

 

 Whatever garden belt level you are at, you are appreciated. Dropouts at most of those dojo’s are because the instructors did not understand the individual. All of us learn at different levels, some by example, and others by text or by picture. They are all AHAH’S and we should remember that when we try to attract new members, no matter what club it may be.

© 2009 and 2015 Herb Senft — now a backslid green belt in Bonsai, but still  a brown belt in horticulture.

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Home Depot return policy Just be damn sure you save all your receipts so you can receive your full credit. The fine folks at The Home Depot don’t care how the plant died, all they want is your original receipt and they replace or refund your purchase. If you pay cash, you must retain the paper receipt. Much smarter to use a credit card!  BTW – the bar codes will get you no where!

A few years ago a customer of mine splurged and bought about 300 dollars of Japanese Maples. Trouble was they were all diseased and badly pruned, to hide the problem. I tried returning them for credit on her bank card. After a lot of BS from the clerk, including a really bad attitude and a lengthy stand at the customer service desk, she finally said she could not issue a credit back to my credit card.

Mind you, not everyone is endowed with a ‘green thumb,’ and the Gi or Dogi may simply not fit. Dumpster, so named because he landscaped his entire property from Dumpsters behind Nursery’s or Box Stores comes to mind. His green thumb was more often swollen by dropped down lids and sometimes he simply had bizarre ideas how to garden.

 

Dumpster decides to act pre-emptively and get the annoying  leaves raked up BEFORE they fall on the garden below.

Editing this in the light of day I realize that I had erred. Belts like worn around a Judo or Karate Gi would not show up while sitting behind a desk at a Costco or Wall mart. Boy Scout Merit badges would be much more visible. Similar graduations from Tenderblister to GreenThumb Palm. I still remember those expensive Boy Scout Sashes. Simple belts such as worn in the “martial arts could also be worn in that fashion. I will bring the same idea up at our next Bonsai Group meeting. I think the membership would prefer the more cost-effective alternative. Nursery employees could be awarded colored scabers to hold their shears.